Egotrap

    "it's there where you left it when you need it again"

I haven't yet searched if "egotrap" is a real word or concept; I'm sure it is and I will search momentarily but this is the word that came to mind as I thought to write a new post. To me it describes the numerous times I tripped over myself going too fast or established arbitrary unharmonious rigidity to my schedule or outflow of ideas and productivity. Confining my output to once a day without break is disingenuous. Naturally I may ebb and flow writing twice a day or once a week, and abruptly confining myself to a spontaneously generated hobby with no room for flexibility and forgiveness was an exercise in futility. The reaction was, again, complete dissolution and disassociation for a time. What a shame because I had a holiday break worth writing about! Tl;dr, a cabin on a mountain lake with lots of kayaking and good company & vibes.

Perusing through my stacks of notebooks and loose papers containing ideas and designs for games and such - often conjured during classes and church as the most interesting subject matter to me and the pure expression of creativity and self - was both enlightening and exhausting. So many ideas about so many things, as well as countless sticky notes and sections writing about how stuck I felt in that moment and devising a rehash of the same plan to dig myself out of a mess. Finally after a life-time of dissonantly avoiding my inclinations, I'm going to try to "work for video games".

With regards to this blog I will rewire how I think about it and expression itself, and just write as I need to.

The WoW and Blizzard post was out of a fit of frustration and personal burnout, and I spent all the time since that post re-evaluating those thoughts and how I truly felt. I have since edited the overwhelming negative takes in that post. I reconsidered those thoughts so hard that this week I decided to once again try to be the change I want to see in the world, and re-apply to the company under a new unannounced project. The chances of acceptance may be slim, but I'm truly giving it my all for the first time in a while.

I wanted to make a trading update in late Nov/early Dec of the market conditions and my complete de-risking of longed assets for a few months. I didn't feel compelled to because I had so few eyes if any on my publishing anyway; it would've been for posterity, excessive pre-optimization and obsessive image control. I need to write for myself. I had no intention of garnering readers to my blog when creating it, but I let myself get ego-trapped with that thought as well. I have hardly ever released or published anything in my life out of excessive fear and inability to finish the last 20%. Quite literal crippling anxiety and absence of confidence and a social support system.

A bit rough of a stream of consciousness this post was, but it'll do. I'm walking toward the rainbow.

(Ah yes, similar idea: https://www.quora.com/What-is-an-ego-trap)